Beneath uncertainty lies adventure. Beneath fear lies an opportunity to show yourself your strength. Seize the day, seize it most when you are uncertain and afraid.
The past 7 months, who am I kidding, the past year and 1/2 have been incredibly trying. Probably the hardest and scariest time since I suffered severe depression my sophomore year of college and had to take a much needed break. TBH those 6 months off from school were life altering. What a concept, right? A break = feeling better? Sorcery, I tell you!
Here's the garbage year elevator pitch of 2016-today: I pulled the rug out from under what I thought was my dream job, twice. Moved 5 times. The 4th time I moved in and out in under a week. Almost ended a 1O year relationship with my beloved husband. Gained and lost weight. Then gained it again. Gave up a gorgeous loft in NYC, relocated my whole life to a strange city and labeled myself a garbage person with no hopes and silly dreams.
Why spill all my dirty laundry you ask? Not for pity, not for people to even relate to me - although if you do, it's nice to know you're not alone, right? No. I spill my tea right here on this digital page because frankly it feels good to let it go in such a public forum. Saying this stuff out loud and to strangers (maybe? You all definitely know me haha) feels like one of my steps towards feeling normal again. Writing this, feels like self care.
For quite sometime I carried on as if I was all good. The classic mask many women wear - "Everything is great! I love my life! I got this cause I'm a boss!!" Add in the polarizing pressure of the alternate universe that is social media and you're really in the weeds. I got tired of "being strong" and slowly began to unravel - in privacy of course because no one could ever know I hated what my life had become. But to my credit, I began to be honest with myself.
Now, things have taken a turn for the wonderful (as they tend to do if you try and keep your head up) and I'm feeling extremely optimistic about my future. One of the craziest things to be born from my mini breakdown is this budding business I am building with my friend and partner, Angela.
I remember one weekend in particular when I was having a Category 6 "My life is horrible I want to die" marathon, Angela came to visit me. We waxed on the future of our business and did all the things one should when she needs to be scooped up from a puddle of her own sad mess. It was that weekend that I realized I wasn't taking care of me. Yes, my personal life was a disaster and my depression turned daily anxiety attacks felt debilitating, however I just wasn't doing me.
Now, the anxiety attacks continued, the girls weekend wasn't a magic wand that made everything better but it was the beginning of my journey out of the hole I created for myself.
From that day on I woke up at 6AM every morning, worked out for 2 hours, ate clean and started netting 15K/month. Haha nah, not quite! I did begin small changes of self care everyday. I started to once again take pride in the matcha lattes I loved to make for myself every morning - I had abandoned them for Starbucks coffee from down the block which I hate. You know you're really in the shits if you can't bring yourself to give yourself your favorite at home morning beverage.
Everyday I tried something else to give myself joy teetering between cooking for happiness and therapy sessions that felt so invasive but actually really did help. Most days I was a failure because depression is real and VERY hard to get over. As I write this now I wonder if I'm still depressed or maybe the truth is that emotions ebb and flow the way success and failures do. One thing I know I have learned is that we MUST remember to be easy on ourselves. There are so many business resources that outline how to stay productive so that you can "be a boss," but where are the business resources that encourage us to take breaks and allow for mindful practices that will enrich your business practices. What would the world be like if allowing yourself 30 minutes in the middle of your work day to read a few chapters of your favorite book was also seen as grinding till you get it? What are some of the ways you guys stay sane?
On Sundays, WORD will be dedicated to self care. We encourage you to practice this and if you would like to contribute your own journey to our narrative, please do reach out: firstname.lastname@example.org
We are in this together and we got you.